Takut.

Salam all,
Maaf jika entri kali ini, berbunyi sedikit pelik..or should I say, emosi or whatever that it may appear to you lah... This is my blog.. my diary.. so.. Saya tidak tahu di mana patut saya luahkan lagi jika bukan di sini.  =/

Well.. if you've been following my blog, you'll know that my personal love life is not something that I would talk about in here. Unless, he is my fiance or my husband.. (then of course kalau boleh hari-hari nak cakap pasal dia, sampai korang pun bosan. haha). So no, you're not gonna find entries like who am I currently have a crush on, or who am I dating and such. Maybe because being me, who is sometimes (or maybe all the time) a pessimist, I always feel like anything bad can happen to anyone in no time.. so I just feel like I'm not 'supposed' to post up things like that selagi belum 'kukuh'.. because like I said, anything can happen between me and my partner. And then I jugak yang malu/tak suka nanti..lepas tu kena delete and whatsoever.. Kan ke menyusahkan tu. Hmm..

Unless lah kalau dah ada ikatan.. Mak bapak dua dua pihak dah setuju ke, dah restu ke apa ke kan.. So.. nak cerita apa apa kat sini pon, I think ok jugak lah kot.. Even though, still, shit things can happen too even when you're engaged or married. Yelah, kalau dah nak jadi tu, jadi jugak lah kan.. Itu cerita lain.


Well some of you might say, benda dah nak jadi, nak buat macam mana, right? But still, I just don't feel okay to write about my love life in here unless kalau dah ada ikatan yang sah. Selagi I tak sure he is 'the one' or tak sure whether I nak orang tu to be my soulmate, my partner ke apa, selagi tu, I won't share anything in here..

Yelah, I think macam apaaa je kalau bulan ni cerita pasal Sameon, bulan depan cerita pasal Sahak, tiga bulan lagi cerita pasal Robert Downey Jr. ke kann..pastu tahun depan, tiba tiba je kawin dengan Bedul bin Jantan.. hahaha..  So..you get what I mean right?
So..nope, I would save all my love stories in here for my fiance and my husband =)

Hmm..to be really honest, I am not the type that have a lot of male friends, or the type yang ada flings or whatever you call it..or the type yang suka nak kawan dengan lelaki dengan secara tiba-tiba. No, I'm not that type. I mean like, kawan lelaki tu ada, tapi memang sangat sedikit. Boleh di kira dengan jari, siapa je yang saya bertegur sapa kalau dekat sekolah dulu ke, atau dekat matrik ke, ataupun dekat university.

Memang saya macam ni. Saya selesa berkawan dengan perempuan sahaja.. Entahlah. Ataupun maybe sebab saya tak reti berkawan dengan lelaki kot. Ataupun sebab saya seorang yang sangat pendiam bila dengan orang yang saya tak kenal kot. Ataupun sebab saya kurang selesa dengan lelaki (gatal). Ataupun sebab.. Eh banyak pulak ataupun..haha

Anyway.. the reason why I wrote my title for this post as "Takut", is because..I don't know why..but lately ni I always think about marriage. Yes, I admit I do want to get married as early as possible.. Well..because firstly of course, sebab nak elakkan maksiat as much as possible. Second because I wanna be loved by a person whom I can call my husband..  So I used to dream of getting married as young as 21 or 22.. And dreaming about my majlis akad nikah, my reception and all.. haha. Tapi..entahlah. Macam takut nak kawin. Maybe I just like the idea of getting married at that young age.. You can call me perempuan gatal or whatever, but I have my own reasons for that..
But bila fikir fikir balik, nak menempuh alam perkahwinan tu yang buat saya takut.. Because I takut nanti I chose the wrong guy to be my partner. Of course, kita nak kahwin ni kalau boleh untuk selama lamanya. So of course, kena pilih betul betul. Silap pilih, memang menyesal seumur hidup.

So..before kahwin, of course lah kena kenal siapa orang yang kita nak kahwin tu kan.. Or maybe in other words, bercinta or 'coupling'... But my idea of having a love relationship ni, bukan just macam main belasah je apa yang ada or just for fun..you know like, sebab orang lain ada, you pun nak kena ada jugak. Sebab konon nya having a boyfriend ni, is like a trend or the 'in thing'... So siapa yang takde tu, adalah manusia paling pelik sekali di dalam dunia.
No, for me that's not the way it should be.

Call me an old fashioned, but for me, nak ada relationship tu, biar lah lama and memang menuju ke arah perkahwinan. Meaning, serious lah. Bukan just setakat nak ada boyfriend just for the sake nak ada title "I ada boyfriend" or "I ni laku and you takkk.." or whatsoever.
Dekat sekolah boyfriend lain, dekat matrik lain, lepas tu masuk university pasang boyfriend sampai 5 sebab konon konon nak ada banyak choice -padahal dah tahu dah apa yang dia nak, lepas tu kawin dengan orang lain yang dekat tempat kerja you pulak. Asik bertukar tukar pasangan. I don't know about you, but for me.. I tak suka buat macam tu.
Hmm.. that's just not the way I am. I mean, I tak suka tukar tukar or try try pasangan. haha. (Tak tahu macam mana nak explain ;p ) 
I don't even like the idea of doing that! Hmm..

Since I was a little girl, I always imagined.. (Ye, imagined ye.. Not I want or It should be or whatever) my future husband and I fall in love at the very first moment we met or talk or whatsoever lahh.. And then, bercinta and not long after that kahwin. (Hahaha! So fairy tale!) Rather than... you know like..kenal sekejap, and then sebab salah sorang antara the boy or the girl tu suka kat salah sorang tu, lepas tu terus 'couple', and then you TRY to like him or her..lepas tu after a few months or maybe years, baru tahu tak suka dia, or maybe like..you'll realized that is not what you want, or maybe you feel like you guys are not meant to be la, and et cetera.. And then ended up dumping each other. Sigh. Kan ke buang masa? Lebih baik you simpan all the love that you have in you, for your one and only husband.

I don't know, but maybe I ni memang perempuan pelik or too fairy tale ke apa..but I do believe in love at first sight. Maksud nya macam, first time tengok/kenal that someone, you'll feel something in your heart..and that person pun sama.. Haa..faham tak apa I cakap ni? hehe..
Macam..you know that scene in the movies when the guy look at the girl..and then the girl glances back, lepas tu macam dua dua ada rasa something? Haaa...that sort of feeling la..hehe. Entah lah, I rasa macam..those kinda things/feelings memang datang dari Tuhan..and..Insyallah it's gonna work. Rather than.. you nampak this one person, lepas tu you try so hard to get him or her, to like you back..

Well..maybe I'm wrong. I mean yelah, tak semua kisah percintaan orang sama kan? Orang dulu lagi la, mak bapak yang pilih and kahwinkan anak anak diorang.. Tapi bahagia jer. And ada tu pulak yang kenal seminggu je, lepas tu terus kahwin sampai berpuluh puluh tahun. Itu semua jodoh... Kuasa tuhan.  And I've seen a lot of people yang first time nampak each other,  terus dua-dua suka sama suka. Contoh terdekat is my dad. He saw my mom for the first time dulu masa dekat university, lepas tu terus suka and terus ada rasa nak jadikan my mom his wife, and then both my sisters pun sama. Dua-dua kisah percintaan mereka pun comel. Haihh..wonder when is it gonna be my turn. haha.

Hmm.. And saya selalu tengok people having a relationship for so many years, lepas tu tak kahwin pon. So, that's why..saya tak suka nak bercinta atau nak ada boyfriend lama lama. Takutlah. =/

For me, nak bercinta atau memilih pasangan tu, biarlah fikrah nya sama dengan I. Meaning, jiwa/pemikiran/the way he view things, lebih kurang sama macam saya. Nanti takde lah berlaku perselisihan fahaman. Yelah, nanti kang, I cakap clubbing tu berdosa, dia cakap no it's not, but drinking is. I cakap main judi tu haram, dia cakap alah it's only for fun. And so on. I'm not saying I'm an angel, but what I mean here is...nak cari pasangan hidup tu, kenalah yang tahu agama and hukum hakam agama.. Bukan semua benda dia langgar jer...
Nanti kang, dia pandang benda benda dosa ni remeh, kita pandang dosa tu adalah tetap dosa. So...susahlah nanti kan?

And that's not it, banyak lagi yang perlu di pertimbangkan in finding your soulmate or partner. Dari segi keserasian/compatibility, dari segi financial dia, dari segi kematangan dia, dari segi tanggungjawab, dari segi hati budi dia, dari segi agama dia, dari segi perangai dia, and the list goes on! Nak kahwin ni kena tengok 360 darjah punya sudut dan segi! hehe.. Kena betul-betul cari orang yang you rasa you boleh sehidup semati dengan dia... Tak semestinya kalau dia dah ada all the perfect criteria on the "checklist" yang you nak tu, it means dia lah yang terbaik untuk you.. And tak semestinya jugak kalau dia ada kekurangan dalam "checklist" you tu, dia tak sesuai untuk you. It all depends on the person itself. You yang rasa semua ni.. You yang tahu whether you sesuai or not dengan dia.... So, you should know siapa yang sesuai dengan jiwa awak... Yelah, even if dia maybe jenis tahu agama, tapi bab bab lain, fail. Payah jugak. Contoh kalau dia tu boleh dikatakan tahu hukum hakam agama lah kan, and boleh membimbing...tapi kalau panas baran ke, semua benda yang kita buat tak kena ke.. Dia tu kuat jealous ke, dia kuat merajuk ke, and so on...haa payah jugak.

Ataupun, dia jenis baik.... dari segi hati budi, pekerti, kata-kata, etc.. And bertanggungjawab or penyayang..and so on la... .tapi solat 5 waktu pun dia tak jaga langsung. Hmm.... ni pun..susah jugak lah. Sebab dia sebagai lelaki mesti la kena bimbing anak-anak dan isteri. So kalau diri sendiri pun dia tak jaga, apatah lagi anak-anak dia.. And silap-silap..esok dia mati, anak dia tak tahu pun nak solat mayat macam mana..or even baca yasin untuk dia. Kan susah macam tu...

So..what I'm trying to say here is, semua benda kena dan mesti balanced. And I think, that is the hardest part lah untuk mencari ni..because we'll never know what we gonna get.. Belum tentu kenal 10 tahun sekali pun, kita kenal dia betul betul.  Hmm.. So..tu yang buat I takut sangat ni, actually...  :(

Banyak je benda yang nak saya tuliskan..Tapi, takpe lah. Biarlah saya simpan and pikir sorang sorang. Cuz I'm sure korang pun dah penat baca apa I tulis nih...kan? haha.
But whatever it is, banyak benda yang perlu dipertimbangkan when making your choice in finding your soulmate. So kalau dah jumpa yang fikrah korang sama, pleaseee..kahwinlah cepat cepat.

But anyway.. as time goes by, I takde lah rasa macam nak sangat sangat kawin muda like I used to be. I mean, after seeing a few people that I know, that has been married for a few years, tapi macam macam hal dah jadi between them, I jadi macam takut nak kawin. So no, for now.. chill je dulu. I'm just gonna observe everyone..lepas tu kalau ada orang masuk meminang with background and everything semua okay.. Ha..then maybe lah kot I akan start cerita di sini.. hahahaha..




P/s: No, saya tidak ada siapa siapa pun lagi. Tengah tunggu my prince charming from my own imaginary fairy tale tu untuk datang and say those three and four words.. hahahahaha =P




XOXO,
Shazwani.