The Steps

I think most (typical) men don't really know how a wedding would be like. What are the customs, the steps/stages or the traditions like... Especially when the Malays' wedding are quite steeped in age-old tradition with all the steps, rules, customs/traditions and what not. Well, like most men in Malaysia, or maybe in this world...my man is no exception. He is the typical, clueless man who doesn't really know anything about a wedding except for saying those 3 words, "Aku terima nikahnya...... blablabla", because apparently, that is the ultimate role on his part, when it comes to weddings, or so he thought.

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Pffft. I didn't know about this until recently when we decided to get married. I mean I thought he'd have some tiny bit of ideas about a wedding (so my work would be easier?) since he is the last one in his family to get married - he got 2 elder brothers who already married, and a sister who is on her way to tie the knot as well, for God's sake? Hence, I really thought he would have some ideas installed in his head of what a wedding would be like, other than knowing only those lines! haha. But boy..I was wrong. My man have zero knowledge on weddings apparently...that has led us to some misunderstandings last time. (Already solved everything, by the way! Thank God! haha) Yes we fought few months back when we were just starting to plan to get married... However, the fight/argument that we had turn out to be SO funny now when I think about it! xD I really didn't know the man that I thought who were so "manly"...could turn out to be a "Groomzilla"??! Hahahah. Thaaat never occur to my wildest imagination! (Will get to that groomzilla part later. teehee. P/s: I love you baby! LOL ;p). He didn't even know what "Merisik" actually is! And I guess if it wasn't because of some of his friends who were already engaged last time, I think he wouldn't even know what "Bertunang" really is for! hehehe. Sabar je lah akuuuu...huhu.

Well, what to do. I'm marrying a super-straight, practical man, who never really bother about weddings like I do! He always say this to me, "......the most important thing is God made me found you, and I love you very much. I don't care about weddings. I care about you and our marriage/future". (Awwww! I love you too, darling. But I know you're just coating your words with sugar and caramel, to cover your unmachoness for not knowing anything about a wedding, right? haha. So yeah, I still want a nice dress for my wedding! ;p)

Anyway...I love watching The Notebook kind of movies, while he fancies a movie that has something to do with Batman or Spiderman or Superman or even Cicakman or maybe..Transformers or whatever movies that involved guns, blood, and some wrestlings. - So yeah, like most men on this planet, he didn't give a damn about what color matches with what...or what theme would be perfect for a certain event..or what's the difference between peonies and ranunculus flowers or whatever it is that has to do with weddings! Plus, he only have 2 or 3 of his close friends who just got married...and men being men, they don't really talk about weddings among them. They'd be like "Oh, that's so gayyyy". And the only thing that would pop in their mind to talk with each other regarding a "wedding", would be about the first night. Pffffffffftttt. And later, the ones who would be stressing out lebih-lebih to explain each and every details of the event to them then, would be us girls!  (Read: me) Sigh. Men are so........ ignorant, huh? Heeesh.

Hmmm.... Or maybe, it's us, the girls who are so perfectionist, that we, (or should I blame the older generations?) needed to create and have all the customs and traditions and steps for a wedding, when it could be really really simple with that 3 words to sign the contract? haha. More or less laa. But don't you think, it's us who made the wedding jobs to be tedious with all that dresses/gowns, veil or no veil, tiara or no tiara, 100 different kinds of flowers, door gifts, cards, videographers, photographers, photo booths, flower girls, 3-tier cakes, 6-tier cakes, 18-tier cakes, wall drapes, white carpet, red carpet, western menu, eastern menu, kampung menu, and the list goes on and on! LOL :p (Remember that part in SATC The Movie, when Mr. Big got really stressed out when Carrie has planned a lot for their wedding when he just want a simple one?! Yes, guys are typically like that. It's the girls who likes to complicate things, I suppose! haha. - Sorry guys, can't help it laaa...it's in our genes! We just love doing things that would menyusahkan diri sendiri! And we don't even know why! hahaha ;p )

So anyways, I explained to him...what are the steps in our Malay weddings, and why this and that. I remembered, he bombarded me with lotsa questions more than a 5 year old kid would! hehe. Comel, but annoying! hahahah

"So...what's the difference between Merisik and Bertunang?" 

"How long should we get engaged? Is there a specific timeline that is set by the traditions or something?"  

"What's the real meaning behind Merisik? Why do we need to do it?" 

"So if I propose to you, do we still need to do the Majlis Bertunang?"  

"What's the difference between a Reception, Bertandang and Bersanding lah?"  

"Is there any separate Majlis for the Bertunang or Akad, like for girl side and guy side thing.. just like the reception?"  

"Do I need to bring anything to the Merisik thingy?"  

"How many events all together? Who would bear the cost?"  

"How many rings should I prepare for you?"  

"How many Hantaran?"  

"What's a sirih for lah??"  

"And what's the difference between Mas Kahwin and Wang Hantaran? To whom I should give it? You or your parents? Does it really have to be in a money form? Can I just give you my heart and my love?" - Rrrightttt. -____-'

And a wholeeeeeeee lot more questions!! haha. Comel pun ye, annoying pon ye jugak. Banyak sangat tak tahu! LOL. Oh God, somebody really needs to write a book called, "The Malay Weddings For Dummies" to explain eveeerrryyyy bit of weddings to these type of guys! hahaha. So I explained to him, from A to Z. And now, I'm sharing it with you guys. So listen up you clueless guys out there! :)

First we got the Adat Merisik, which is the "getting to know you better" stage. The Adat Merisik is actually a ‘seeking ceremony’ or ‘spying custom’. This traditional Malay system is crucial for arranging marriages. When a man is finally ready to settle down with the girl of his dreams (or in some cases his parents will find a suitable potential bride for him), his family will carry out the responsibility of seeking out information about that particular woman. During this stage, one or more representatives from the man’s family will pay a visit to the woman’s family. The merisik is not considered a formal proposal yet, and there may or may not be further arrangement of marriage. It all depends on both sides of the family. For me, the Adat Merisik is more like to familiarize and get to know who/what/which/how is the family of both sides, and gain the relationship/friendship between them.

Then comes the Majlis Bertunang, a.k.a The Engagement between the two lovebirds. This is where we consider it as a formal proposal - When a marriage plan is being agreed by both parties, an engagement date will be set. The engagement custom is usually held at the bride’s home. But these days, a lot of people have started to host it outside. The Majlis Bertunang/Engagement is being done as a symbol that the future groom and bride have already been reserved, and will get married soon, God-willing.

Then the next step would be the Majlis Akad Nikah, where the real and actual wedding day would be held. Akad nikah is usually conducted at a mosque or at the bride's home although these days, a lot of brides have chosen to do it at a hotel or banquet hall or something. Akad Nikah is the moment when the wedding is being legalized in a religious manner, while bersanding is a family celebration, after the akad nikah. So during the event, the groom will sign the marriage contract and provide his bride with a Mas Kahwin/Mahar (some kind of a payment in the form of money, gold or any other thing as requested by the bride).

Then would be the Bersanding ceremony, where the wedded couple would celebrate their wedding day with their guests. - Bersanding can be celebrated in a traditional way or modern way. After bersanding at the bride's side, then there'll be a Majlis Bertandang at the groom side pulak. To make it simple, both event  (Bersanding at bride side/ Bertandang at groom side) are simply called "the reception" in english! hehee


So after explaining something like the above loooong story, I said to him... "So if you count all the events/ceremonies that I just mentioned, there are 5 stages all together, or in our case..it'll be a little bit more. And guess what? The first 4 stages of the ceremonies, which is the Merisik, Bertunang, Akad Nikah and Bersanding, would all be covered by the girl's family normally. The guy only gonna bear the cost for his Majlis Bertandang, which is the last step. As for the other 4 majlis, you and your family, would only come as a "guest", not as a host. So because the girl's side is going to pick up the cheque more for the caterer, for the venue, for the dress, for the photographers, etc etc , thus you gonna have to be such a sweetie and let me have it my way! hahaha. Oh, and you definitely should love me more and moreeeeee for the rest of your life...and also, you gonna let me have my dress, and this shoes, and my this, and my that! hahaha. Okayyy, darlin?? ;p"

He replied, "Ok sweetie. You can have that shoes, just as long as you don't ask me to plan our wedding. I still don't know anything after what you explained. Cuz it's kinda hard to process in my head right now with all the weird rules and regulations and whatnot. I just wanna get married to you so I can concentrate on my work more after this. Can you continue later? I gotta go now, my work is more important than our wedding. Cuz if I don't do my work, I can't get married with the love of my life now.. alright? Let me know what have you planned for us later, ok honey? And show me your shoes. I wanna see and try to understand what's so special that you can't sleep thinking about it last night. Ok, bye sayang"

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MEN.

Penat explain panjang lebar...they don't really listen, do they, when it comes to flowers, cards, handbags, shoes, dresses, cakes, pelamin, hantaran, etc?? Fineeeeee. "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus", huh? I will try to accept that during this whole wedding preparations, and redha that men don't really give a damn about weddings, and that I have to do this alone and on my own, and trust my own opinions. Oh, sad. Okthanksbye.





XOXO,
Girly girl who is in love with her straight, clueless, but sweetie man.